It’s amazing, surprising, frustrating, and scary how a month can change thoughts, feelings, energies, things, people, and the list goes on and on. Some things felt over night. Somethings felt over the course of days, week, or the month but whatever it was August kicked me in my imaginary gonads. I felt it beat the shit out of me until the full moon on the 18th. While I’m on full moon energy, all I did was scream FUCK YOU to the Universe and to the full moon energy. That day will go down in my history as the most craptastic day of August. All I wanted to do was curl up hide away from the world, but I kept going. One has to keep going. When August started, I really thought it was going to be a great view from the park bench of life, but it’s been a roller coaster of life. I’m glad to see it end but damn did it give me songs. Lots of songs. 34 songs to be exact. The most songs ever since I’ve been doing “Songs of My Life.” Songs that more than once made me cry. Songs that just made me say “Yes, that’s it. That’s what I’m feeling.”
Enjoy the embedded videos below or click HERE to listen/watch.
“Love Like Winter” by AFI
This song came into my head when I noticed these once beautiful pink leaves on a plant turning into a sad color of pink. The colors were fading fast. It really saddened me that morning as the rain fell on them and I just started humming this song. “Read the lines in the mirror, through the lipstick trace, “for siempre”. She said, “It seems you’re somewhere, far away” to his face…”
“Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and it means a mighty long time…” This describes how I am feeling right now…trying to get through life.
*song is not on the video list below as it they kept getting deleted from YouTube
“Migration” by Jimmy Buffett
This Buffett song popped up on a morning walk. My head was silent and without thought and these lyrics stuck in my head: “…trying to figure out how I ever got here. Some things are still a mystery to me, while others are much clear. I’m just living in the sunshine. Stay contented most of the time…” Australia hasn’t been all sunshine and unicorns, but I’ve never been happier than where I am right now.
“Life is Beautiful” by Sixx: A.M.
Randomly this song kept popping up in my morning walk and after the 3rd day, I paid attention to it. “Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral.” When I was battling my depression really fucking hard in my 20s, thoughts of suicide did a circle pit in my head and I always told myself that killing myself would be a waste because no one would cry at my funeral and that no one would show up. Maybe that voice that expressed that was my saving grace as I never followed through with suicide. This song reminded me life is beautiful and that people would cry at my funeral. I am loved because I give and have given love to those that wanted it and even needed it.
“Dear Lover” by Matthew Ryan
I think these lyrics sum up relationships perfectly: “I could be your superhero. I could be your biggest disappointment…Most of us start out just thinking it’s easy. When the hardest thing you’ll do is remember how to smile…Tell me what you want. I’ll give it if I can.”
“Straight Out of Line” by Godsmack
I have always loved this song because of the heavy bass line but I never really paid attention to the lyrics. Never had a reason too really but boy did they click in my head this month. “You’re not my destiny… I’ll confess this, you’re my tragedy. I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me…I don’t need a reason. You don’t need to lie to me…” If you asked, what triggered this connection, I can tell you it was my mind. My overthinking, over analyzing fuckwit of a brain. It turns on me. It drives me insane. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. It constantly lies to me. I battle it daily so it doesn’t consume me and shove me back to the darkness of depression.
“Rotting Piñata” by Sponge
This album and this band saved my life. I was reminded how far I have come battling my darkness and how close I am to always going back into it. It’s a choice to either let it consume me or fight it. There are days where consuming sounds easier than fighting. On this day, I just didn’t have the urge to fight and I felt every bit of these lyrics: “I will rot away like a rotting piñata…Here lies this junk of me. Here lies this wreck that was me…Grab my beating heart tear it from this broken cage…just pull the plug and let me fly…”
“Someday I Will” by Jimmy Buffett
On the same weekend of not wanting to fight darkness, this song reminded me why I fight, why I chase dreams, why I believe, why I love. “It’s just sometimes I know that’s the way I’m suppose to go…You don’t need to know who will make it come true. Just say someday I will. You don’t have to have to work it all out, don’t have to tear it all apart, all you need is a place to start and if it never worked before try it once more. That’s what your heart is for.”
“I’ll be Here Awhile” by 311
This was a message to my mind from perhaps my heart or vice versa that it’s okay to have a wait and see attitude. “I’ll be here a while, ain’t going nowhere…sad state written on my face…uncertain game of chance but I’ll see it through in time…the dawn has come into the endless night and everything’s going to be all right…”
“Little L” by Jamiroquai
These lyrics: “You’re playing so hard to get. You’re making me sweat just to hold your attention. I can’t give you nothing more if you ain’t giving nothing to me…” That is all.
“Survive a Little Lonely” by Rob Grad
Boy, did this song bring tears to my eyes. I’m not talking a few tears down the face. I’m talking full blown “ugly cry” as they call it. I suppose it was the realization that I had to let go of the thought I was ready to give my heart away. The realization that maybe it wasn’t wanted. This song just made me realize, I’ll be all right. I’ll survive. “I’m never going to figure it out and I don’t care. Tonight, I can survive a little lonely…” I’ve been lonely before. I survived just fine.
“To You or Anyone” by Rob Grad (2016 version)
Before I knew the Rob I know, his former band had a song that heavily influenced my life and saved me from depression. Through the wonders of the old internet, we became friends. His song above was a gift from iTunes on Shuffle. This one, I listened to on purpose. Rob asked me if I would listen to a few songs he’s been working on and I said yes of course. Rob is an amazing and gifted artist that not only creates music but also artwork. I love these lyrics from him: “It’s not your life. It’s not your fate. It’s not your back that stands me straight. You’ve got your voice. You had your say. I’m not some broken soul to save. Before you lose me now…” We have to do what we have to do for number one, the self, ourself. The past is the past and doesn’t need explanation. The present is where we all need to choose to be. Present, in the moment, caring, loving, and being there for the people that allow us to be there for them.
*song is not on the video list below as it has not been released yet
“Leader of the Broken Hearts” by Papa Roach
“Maybe it’s time I cut the cord. Maybe I stay and take some more. I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts…And now I finally know what it feels like to risk everything and still survive. When you’re standing on the battlefield and all that the pain is real. That’s when you realize that you must’ve done something right cause you’ve never felt so alive…” These lyrics kind-of-sorta-exactly-summed up what I felt when I added the song to the playlist. Risk is everything. Good or bad we all survive. Hiding and not living is not for me. I’d rather feel every up and down on the emotional roller coaster and know I’m alive.
“In Between Days” by the Cure
This is on the list because I had a dream with Robert Smith in it. I was trying to convince Robert to not eat a cheeseburger and he kept singing, “Go on, go on just walk away.” but when I listened to the song, I thought maybe my subconscious mind was actually trying to send me a message: “Yesterday I got so scared. I shivered like a child. Yesterday away from you. It froze me deep inside…Don’t walk away…Why can’t you see…Go on, go on, your choice is made. Go on, go on. And disappear…”
“I Can See Through You” by Truman
Truman’s album “Payne Avenue” is still one of my favorite albums. I wish more people knew of his music. iTunes on shuffle, gifted me this gem. Pretty sure this song is about being unfaithful, but these lyrics…“I don’t wanna be alone, she said, but I don’t wanna be tied to you and everything that you do. I can see that you too don’t want me to loose you. I don’t wanna fall in love, he said I don’t wanna be bad to you…I always will be for you and everything that you do…” I could be either person. I believe in love. I think everyone does but the difference for me is that I don’t need love to complete me. I am complete. I have a complete life. Love is a compliment to my life and brings another layer of abundance and joy.
“Multiply” by Jamie Lidell
Love. Love. Love this song by Jamie. I was sitting in a restaurant called Mrs Sippy and enjoying the best damn burger I’ve had in Australia. (Char is a close 2nd.) Any who…this song came on and I knew all was right with the world. I love these lyrics, “This ain’t no way to be. Stuck between my shadow and me. Could it been the sun don’t shine but I’ll tell you that I’m doing fine…I’m so tired over beating myself…”
“Just Breathe” by Telepopmusic
Love this gem. I can’t remember if I heard this song at Mrs Sippy or while at Bloody Marys. Either way, so glad it was gifted to me for 2 reasons. #1) a reminder to exactly like the song says, just breathe, just believe. #2) a reminder that yes when you can’t pick yourself up off the floor you just have to breathe and believe in another day. These lyrics are both of those reminders: “There’s nothing to do but believe, just believe. Just breathe. Another day, just believe, another day, just breathe…I’m used to it by now…Lying in my bed, another day, staring at the ceiling…Another day (I do believe). Another day (so hard to breathe)…Another day…”
“One of These Mornings” by Moby
This was actually suppose to be another Moby song but I wrote horrible notes to myself that basically said: “Moby song. Not the one you have on iTunes”. Well, I have 3 Moby songs and none of them sounded like what I heard but I listened to this song and just sighed. This song kind of describes how depression feels. “One of these mornings, it won’t be very long, they will look for me and I’ll be gone…”
“At the Bottom” by Brand New
These lyrics caught my ears, “’Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart. Think something dark’s living down in my heart…I carry this box to the proper place and when I lower it down I let you fade away. I hope that you would do this for me…” There’s a mix of feelings for this song. Depression and death. I know August was a month of me battling depression in a light form vs the overwhelming sadness I am use to, but August was also a month where I missed my mom a lot. I talked to her every day and waited for answers or signs from the other side. Maybe I was too blind to see them because I never received any and I really could have used my mama’s hug and her voice saying “goodnight baby” to me every night this month. Even when I moved out, I called her every night and she’d say “Goodnight baby” when I hung up the phone. I want that back in my life. I miss that the most about her.
“Song of Sorrow” by Elle King
Walking in the sun, I just felt these lyrics in my soul. “I follow the sorrow song of the moon…Weak and wide eyed, my pride is swallowed. I’m beggin’ for my hearts last beat and I’m repaying all the time I’ve borrowed…Scriptures singin’ man I can’t seem to find my way back home. It’s been a hundred years I’ve no idea which direction to go. This is my song of sorrow…”
“Duality” by Slipknot
Well, Corey just sings my emotional pain perfectly with: “I push my fingers into my eyes. It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache but it’s made of all the things I have to take. Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside…I have screamed until my veins collapsed. I’ve waited as my time’s elapsed. Now, all I do is live with so much fate. I’ve wished for this, I’ve bitched at that. I’ve left behind this little fact: You cannot kill what you did not create. I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say and then I swear I’ll go away…If the pain goes on, I’m not gonna make it…Tell me the reality is better than the dream but I found out the hard way, nothing is what it seems…”
“Closer than We Are” by The Damnwells
This is my favorite Damnwells song. I bought a bottle of Côtes du Rhône and this song came into my head because of they lyric: “Making wishes on a bottle of cotes du rhone…Lets be closer than we are to Jupiter or Spain. There are 2 seats at the bar for Mr and Mrs my last name. We are simpler than the stars…”
“Cool Girl” by Tove Lo
Well this song is just fab! Maybe the hardest part of dating is that moment of defining the relationship talk. To be honest, my define the relationship talk would be, “am I the only girl you are seeing and banging?” If the person said yes, awesome. Let’s carry on doing what we’re doing. If the answer was no, I’d ask to be the only girl and carry on doing what we’re doing. I think that’s why I connected to the song because it reminded me that I don’t need a label and I don’t want someone to smother me and I don’t want to smother someone. I do me. You do you. Together, we do us. “You can run free, I won’t hold it against ya. You do your thing…Speaking my truth, there’s no need to panic. No, let’s not put a label on it…”
“One” by U2
Traipsing around Sydney on a windy and sunny day, this song popped up on my iPod. I sat down and watched buoys bouncing in the water and the song just made me think about the fucked up world. I don’t want to spread hate and negativity. I try really hard at giving love, kindness, and joy and this song reminded me to keep doing so even if it’s not always returned. “One love. One blood. One life. You got to do what you should. One life with each other. Sisters. Brothers. One life but we’re not the same. We get to carry each other…”
“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance
Everything after their album “Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge” was shit. There. I said it. Their first album was the best and made me like the band. “Black Parade” made me hate the band. Now that I got that off my chest, I can say that I realized while battling this bout of depression that I had in August (it’s not as heavy as it was the first half of the month, as the month closes, I feel the fog being lifted) that I’m not okay and knowing that is in fact okay. It made me think of this song. “But you really need to listen to me. Because I’m telling you the truth. I mean this, I’m okay! (Trust Me). I’m not okay…”
“In My Life” by Dinvinyls
This track was gifted to me by Nick and I love the energy in this song as well as these lyrics: “I been in my life. Never much, happening, never much, happening in my life. Hey, I mean it might change, so I, still remain so I still, stuck it in my life, and proud of it.” I get that. I’m proud of my life. This song reminded me of it.
“Two Places at Once” by The Church
Another gift from Nick. Once again, the imagery painted by the lyrics by The Church are beautiful. As a writer, I want to capture those thoughts and feelings. They do it so easily here just as they do in the song “Authority”.
“Ghostworld” by Models
Thanks to Nick for another gift. I am reminded of my favorite Fleetwood Mac song, “Tusk”. I almost instantly love songs with heavy drums (or drums and bass). What I really dig about this song is this set of lyrics: “See me. I won’t let go. We got work to go. Cold hands and icy heart…” They hit me in the gut.
“Heartbeat” by Drake White
When you find yourself pounding your chest and raising your hands to a song, you know it’s touched your soul. This song has been on repeat. Thank god I have it as it’s become my go to to feel good this month. I can’t get enough of this song. “It’s in the heartbeat. It’s in the real thing. You can’t make it up it’s in your soul deep. It’s in the stars, the stripes, this dirt on my feet…It’s in the heartbeat…I’ll be just fine cuz I got my back, don’t got no slack in this good ol spirit of mine…”
“Liar (It Takes One to Know One)” by Taking Back Sunday
This was an iTunes on shuffle gift at an oddly perfect time. I had the thought “don’t be lair” go through my head and this song started playing immediately. I figured it was the Universe confirming that we should all be truthful to others and ourselves. My favorite quote is this: “I’d rather be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” So I asked myself to start hurting myself with the truth vs comforting myself with a lie. I want the same of others in my life.
“It Happens” by Sugarland
Shit happens. This song was my reminder for that. “Ain’t no rhyme or reason. No complicated meaning. Ain’t no need to over think it. Let go laughing Life don’t go quite like you planned it. We try so hard to understand it. The irrefutable, indisputable fact is it happens.”
“Climbing the Walls” by Stir
This song has always been a perfect description for me on how it feels with depression. “Climbing the walls. I’m safe until the moment I close my eyes. Climbing the Walls. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. I’m going to find my way…”
“The Race” by 30 Seconds to Mars
I think the easiest thing to do in life is to run. Run away. Hide away. Stay behind the comfort of walls built out of solitude, anxiety, depression, and comfort. Trust when I say, I know how easy it is to run and hide. I’ve been there. Sometimes I still want to run away. Run and hide in my walls of solitude, anxiety, depression, and comfort. It’s so easy to maintain that world of so called protection. Sure, it gives a facade of safety and maybe even happiness, but it’s no way to live. There is a reason I fight every day the darkness of my own soul. This song reminded me that. “I’m not running. No not running.” I won’t runaway from people, emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. In fact, I am tired of running. It’s sometimes more exhausting than facing them and embracing them. They may hurt me and it’s up to me to know the lesson I need to learn.
“The Deserter” by Lonely the Brave
I have dug this song from the first moment I heard it many moons ago and as I sat in the park on the last Sunday of the month, soaking up the sun like a solar panel, these lyrics hit me in the feels. It just made me realize that there are things worth believing in. Knowing that gave me the eyes to see you can’t run and desert things. That I didn’t want to be seen as a runner or deserter. I won’t go anywhere, I won’t give up, and I’ll fight. These lyrics: “I’ll baptize in the turn of the corner. I will dive through the gates at the border. I will lie in the sweet of the water. I see clear and I see that I want you…But when the leaves have blew away, you turn deserter is what they’ll say. When our time has drew away, you turned deserter, is what they’ll say…”